With your time at Paul Marks coming to a close (collective sigh of relief), I have taken the liberty of putting together a few areas upon which you could improve. After all, seeing as how you are being compensated through experience rather than pay, I want you to get as much out of this experience as entirely possible. While I still believe you would be better suited haunting events rather than planning them, a little constructive criticism certainly couldn’t hurt.
1) It is important to remember that you are working in New York City, not Pleasantville. While we have gotten a great amount of amusement out of the fact that you are the personification of a cupcake, your eye sore inducing garments (Dalmatian dress, Little Bo Peep inspired garb, etc) were enough to sufficiently ruin every morning. Please keep in mind that not adorning oneself with ribbons, bows, and rosettes has yet to result in death.
2) I think it’s simply fantastic that you attend an Ivy League school (although it is important to note that my opinion of Brown’s admission criteria has decreased exponentially over the last ten weeks). Myself having attended a lowly state school, I basked in all of the enlightenment with which you were able to provide me regarding tea parties and garden party dresses. However, I am slightly concerned that Brown has yet to teach that time is referred to as t (i.e. V=d/t) or at the very least, the ability to infer such an obvious concept. Perhaps it has been ingrained in you that you will be more successful with a condescending attitude and an arsenal of questions rather than simple human decency and basic competence. However, we could really care less that you can discuss the concept of existentialism for hours over Shirley Temples. We care that you are able to place a lunch order without incident.
3) One’s worth and level of contribution at this company is not measured by The Princeton Review’s ranking of one’s college. Therefore, it is important that you understand that Mitzie, Carlos, and the other freelancers are not here to help you. You are here to help them. Further, it is not ok to eye rape said freelancers while simultaneously thinking you are above them. It is especially not ok to repeatedly make comments such as “They are so fucking hot!” Such comments make Dani and myself uncomfortable and lead our imaginations to form unpleasant and disturbing images and scenarios.
4) I think it’s great that you have an answer to everything. I would be even more appreciative of this fact if your answers were right.
5) While I usually welcome your presence in the office with the same enthusiasm as I would welcome a dead Christmas puppy, sometimes you are needed. Coincidently, these seem to be the exact times you mysteriously disappear. Whether you are leaving early for a “whimsical” weekend in Westport or simply wreaking havoc elsewhere, you could at least have the respect to inform us of your whereabouts. It is also a pure delight that you offer no apologies when questioned about your disappearance and instead choose to respond with an attitude similar to that of a petulant child.
6) You have a disturbing and seemingly unfounded sense of entitlement. At this point, the only thing you seem entitled to is a swift kick in the ass.
Your helpful reminders are not so helpful. They only serve to remind us that we hate you.