Monday, March 9, 2009

NJ Nick On Rock of Love Bus and Tool Academy

NJ Nick returns for another heavily edited post.
Check out his site at PhillySportsPride

Sunday nights on Vh1 could possibly be the best night of television in the history of the world. Not only was I entertained, but I also learned life lessons from watching Tool Academy and Rock of Love Bus last night.

First Rock of Love Bus: I don't care how old Brett Michaels is or how many times he does this show, I will always watch it because it gets better every time. If you are not familiar with this show since you are probably unemployed like the rest of our country you have time to read this article which means you have time to catch up on reruns of Rock of Love. [ed. note: That doesn't really make sense, but I'll leave it] Basically, Brett Michaels, the former lead singer of the 80's hair band Posion, is looking for love because he is tired of touring the country and banging really hot stripper chicks.

Well that still occurs: Most of the girls who are on the show are former hot stripper chicks. Anyway, this season is heating up because the alliance known as the Blondetourage is being split up. Brett had to let Farrah ("What the French" is her famous line) go because she was making Ashely the other skanky blonde act different around Brett. What I've learned from this show is Brett Michaels is the best elimination person in reality TV. He says the same thing every time and it works every time. I will now use it any time I end things with a girl. Here is how Brett let's you go:

"You look stunning tonight. I just want to let you know that and you have a remarkable soul, an awesome sprit. i felt we had a physical connection but no emotional your tour ends here."

Next we had the season finale of Tool Academy, possibly the greatest show that ever appeared on the small screen. The season started off by taking some D-Bag's who are tatted up, spray tanned, spend two hours a day styling their hair, take HGH, and think they are the greatest thing walking the earth. They think they are on a reality show called "Mr. Awesome", but are really on to be told the error of their toolish and cheating ways with the help of the token British psychologist woman. After revealed the show's true theme is revealed , the tools' girlfriends are brought on to compete in relationship building/vh1ey challenges.

The show has some great characters with a lot of use of the word "BRO!!" I never thought the word bro could be used this much on televison. Brad from "Real World: San Francisco" used to hold the single-season record word's use, but with all of the Tools combined, I think we have a new one. However, there should be an asterisk next to the Tool Academy record because most of the guys on this show are on steroids.

The finale came down to Matsuflex and Tiny Tool. Matsuflex was by far the biggest tool of any guy who gave himself his own nickname, but he seemed to turn the corner and really make progress with his girl. But on the final show he started crying and wanted to be known as Robert. This made him look like a bigger tool then he was when he came to the show.

Tiny Tool made the most progress with his girlfriend. At first, it looked like this couple was doomed: a little skinny tool bag who wanted to be a professional bowler and his 259lb. girlfriend who was just happy to have a guy into her, even though he was cheating on her. But by the end, this couple made good progress. You would never think you learn a lesson from a show like this. It just goes to show that when someone wants to change, they can change. We all have to look in the mirror sometimes, or maybe I'm just a tool for writing this.

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